it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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