dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
