My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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