remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
