Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
