Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize