YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize