I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
