I accidentally burped into my bong.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
