Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
