That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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