Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
