Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
