Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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