i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
