Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
