Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize