I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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