somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
