he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
