Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Terrible idea I love it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
