took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
