you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
