Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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