so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
