I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize