Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
