Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
