i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
how does that bad decision feel?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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