new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
