Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize