I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
