I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
