I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
