Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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