I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
