mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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