Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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