I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
