I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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