Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Are my feet made of real feet?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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