I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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