Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
