At least make sure they are 18
Why
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
