Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
