I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
