look no pants
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
