we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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