I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
home. puking in laundry basket.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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