Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
