just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
