I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
