the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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