she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
