Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
