when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
