He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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