so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
