he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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