Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
