I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
