To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
