Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
