If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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