If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
