i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize